“It is easy in the world to live after the world’s opinions; it is easy in solitude to live after your own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Imagine. It’s Friday night and you have planned a number of solitary activities to unwind. Something interesting, something you’ve been looking forward to since mid-week. Suddenly it hits you. This morning Joe invited you to his party. You start to wonder. Was it an actual invitation, or was he just being polite? Is he expecting me to show up? How big of a party will it be? Are there going to be people I know? Is it going to be loud? And so you trail off nervously as the party time approaches (example of a bad experience). Depending on what kind of introvert you are you will either go to the party but will feel uncomfortable being there, or you will choose to stay home feeling guilty that you didn’t go.

Is there a way out of this unpleasant situation? There must be! But let’s start from the beginning.

To go or not to go that is the question. An introvert, being a thinker, will quickly recognize that going to that party is actually a good idea. First, you will probably meet new people and brush up on your social skills. Second, you will improve your relations with Joe. Third, you might meet your second half (if that’s what you are looking for). I can always be alone tomorrow night and that project I’ve been wanting to work on is not going to run away. The choice is clear – go!

However, once at the party, the introvert feels out-of-place. Lots of people, small talk on random topics, and some really rowdy extroverts. Again, depending on what kind of introvert you are, you will either be passive or try to fake extroversion. You might sit on the couch the whole time, desperately waiting for someone to talk to you. When someone does, the conversation turns into awkward silence quicker than anyone would have liked. Or you might join conversation circles, but will not contribute much. In my case it’s usually the latter. I will stand around with other people, listening but saying very little. Something about multiple people speaking at the same time makes me lose track of what we are talking about. When I do come up with something clever to say on the topic, the group seems to have moved on. Either way the experience is unpleasant, unless you prepare yourself mentally and know exactly how to act.

The truth is no one cares about what you say as much as you think they do. Everyone, introverts and extroverts alike are only interested in themselves. The most enjoyable topic for anyone is one’s own life and being. So why not focus on what introverts do best – listening. I’m not talking about passive listening where you simply nod and mutter occasional “uhum”. Active listening is when you ask questions and become engaged with what someone else is saying. An important point to remember is to ask open ended questions as opposed to those which can be answered with a simple yes or no. But also remember doing your part. Try answering questions with full sentences yourself. Elaborate, but don’t trail off. People lose interest quickly. Like with any other skill, with sufficient practice chit-chat will become less and less of a strain for you. Practice is key.

Most importantly leave BEFORE you are exhausted! It’s much better to leave after just 1 hour at the venue, than look tired and bored till the end of it. Showing up and talking to a few new people is all that is needed of you. And don’t worry about telling anyone that you are leaving. You don’t have to. Just leave whenever you feel comfortable and give yourself a pat on the back for socializing and still having time for yourself.

Here are some tips for introverts at parties: Top 10 Tips for Party Survival for Introverts

Another good read: Why I Hate Parties

Lost in Thought

“Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell
you that solitude is fine.” – Honore de Balzac

Dictionary definition
Introvert:

1. a shy person
2. Psychology. a person characterized by concern primarily with his or her own thoughts and feelings (opposed to extrovert)
3. Zoology. a part that is or can be introverted

This word doesn’t have a good connotation, does it? The dry dictionary definition makes it sound like introverts are selfish and timid. Well, there is some truth to the definition. For one, introverts are generally quite and prefer solitude over companionship. This explains where “shy” comes from. However, shyness has more to do with anxiety and social fear, which is not the underlying idea behind introversion. Second, most introverts find chit chat talk boring and useless. This leads
a lot of people to believe that an introvert is “concern[ed] primarily with his or her own thoughts and feelings“.

Psychological view

The terms introvert and extrovert were coined by Carl Gustav Jung in 1913. An interesting fact about Carl is that he went on an expedition to East Africa in 1925 hoping to learn about “primitive psychology” of indigenous tribes. However, most of his discoveries from the trip had to do with himself and psychology of civilized society, and had little to do with indigenous tribes. Since 1913, all of the major personality models have adopted the terms of extroversion and introversion.

The way psychologists measure introversion is by means of a questionnaires. It is not a perfect indicator, as a person who is taking the test may misjudge his or her response to certain questions or may lack self-knowledge.

Psychology says that  introverted people draw energy from within, while extroverts’ energy comes from outside. Psychologists are uncertain where the division between the two personality types comes from. Sibling studies suggest that genetics influences personality type development. This study further concludes that introverts have better blood flow in their frontal lobes which are responsible for processing and problem solving. There are some, though a minority, who believe that introversion is simply a consequence of environmental factors.

What introvert means for me?

For myself, being an introvert means that I prefer to hang out with small groups (2-3 people), rather than large gatherings like big parties and night clubs. Loud music is not for me, and drinking or smoking is not my thing either. I enjoy spending time all by myself, be it working on some project or simply being lost in thought. Introversion also means that I take my time in adjusting to new people. It is hard to sincerely connect with someone I just met. However, if I feel comfortable around a person, a lively talk about nothing is perfectly fine, though it does come somewhat unnaturally. An introvert is often passionate about something (or in my case many things), but doesn’t like to talk about it to strangers. Introvert often rehears things before saying them. I need to know exactly what I’m saying if I’m calling a stranger. It often happens that after a phone
conversation I will realize that I should have said something differently, or that I forgot to say something important. Lastly, having the habit to think before talking makes me pretty vulnerable to not finding a quick come back if someone makes a joke.

What else is there? There are thousands of little things that characterize an introvert, and listing all of them here is not my intent.

P.S. I’m looking for inspirational introvert quotes. So if you have some I would appreciate hearing from you.

Please don’t hesitate to post your comments, so I know that someone is actually reading these pages.  I’m especially interested in readers sharing their personal experiences as introverts. And if we make some extroverted friends in the process, they are welcome to comment too.

This blog is also used for self-reflection for the author to better understand himself and those closest to him.

So once again welcome and I hope you enjoy your stay.

Alex