The Introvert

Introverts and Parties | February 18, 2010

“It is easy in the world to live after the world’s opinions; it is easy in solitude to live after your own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Imagine. It’s Friday night and you have planned a number of solitary activities to unwind. Something interesting, something you’ve been looking forward to since mid-week. Suddenly it hits you. This morning Joe invited you to his party. You start to wonder. Was it an actual invitation, or was he just being polite? Is he expecting me to show up? How big of a party will it be? Are there going to be people I know? Is it going to be loud? And so you trail off nervously as the party time approaches (example of a bad experience). Depending on what kind of introvert you are you will either go to the party but will feel uncomfortable being there, or you will choose to stay home feeling guilty that you didn’t go.

Is there a way out of this unpleasant situation? There must be! But let’s start from the beginning.

To go or not to go that is the question. An introvert, being a thinker, will quickly recognize that going to that party is actually a good idea. First, you will probably meet new people and brush up on your social skills. Second, you will improve your relations with Joe. Third, you might meet your second half (if that’s what you are looking for). I can always be alone tomorrow night and that project I’ve been wanting to work on is not going to run away. The choice is clear – go!

However, once at the party, the introvert feels out-of-place. Lots of people, small talk on random topics, and some really rowdy extroverts. Again, depending on what kind of introvert you are, you will either be passive or try to fake extroversion. You might sit on the couch the whole time, desperately waiting for someone to talk to you. When someone does, the conversation turns into awkward silence quicker than anyone would have liked. Or you might join conversation circles, but will not contribute much. In my case it’s usually the latter. I will stand around with other people, listening but saying very little. Something about multiple people speaking at the same time makes me lose track of what we are talking about. When I do come up with something clever to say on the topic, the group seems to have moved on. Either way the experience is unpleasant, unless you prepare yourself mentally and know exactly how to act.

The truth is no one cares about what you say as much as you think they do. Everyone, introverts and extroverts alike are only interested in themselves. The most enjoyable topic for anyone is one’s own life and being. So why not focus on what introverts do best – listening. I’m not talking about passive listening where you simply nod and mutter occasional “uhum”. Active listening is when you ask questions and become engaged with what someone else is saying. An important point to remember is to ask open ended questions as opposed to those which can be answered with a simple yes or no. But also remember doing your part. Try answering questions with full sentences yourself. Elaborate, but don’t trail off. People lose interest quickly. Like with any other skill, with sufficient practice chit-chat will become less and less of a strain for you. Practice is key.

Most importantly leave BEFORE you are exhausted! It’s much better to leave after just 1 hour at the venue, than look tired and bored till the end of it. Showing up and talking to a few new people is all that is needed of you. And don’t worry about telling anyone that you are leaving. You don’t have to. Just leave whenever you feel comfortable and give yourself a pat on the back for socializing and still having time for yourself.

Here are some tips for introverts at parties: Top 10 Tips for Party Survival for Introverts

Another good read: Why I Hate Parties